Monday, September 18, 2017

Dumbing Down

Let's be reasonable, folks:

We can't do everything you ask. That's the long and the short of it. 

And that goes double when it's stupid stuff.

What do we mean? Here ... let me show you:

Dear Unbelievables:
My husband comes home in a couple hours and I don't know what to fix for dinner. Can you come over and whip something up for him?
In Anticipation, Dolores

No, Dolores ... we can't.

Dear Unbelievables:

I'm just too tired to take out the trash this week. They come Tuesday and Saturday. A little help over here would be appreciated.
Thanks! Marjorie

Uhm, nope.

Hey Unbelievables:

Seriously, Mickey D's needs to stay open past midnight. I have huge Big Mac attacks several nights a week. Work your magic and talk to those corporate boys for me. Thanks. 

I don't think so.


I have 12 kitty cats. I can't snuggle all of them at once but I bet, with a little help from a couple of you guys, you could satisfy their need for closeness. How about it?
Beverly (purr)

Not in this lifetime, Beverly

Dear Unbelievables:

The sun comes up way too early for me. Is there someone in your vast network of stooges and compatriots who might alter this daily grind?

Yes ... but he's busy next week.

See what we mean? Come on, people. You're not schlubbs and we're not at your beck and call for every whim and desire. (And let's face it - some of your whims and desires are questionable at best.) Life is hard, reality isn't always shiny and bright and full of promise and we have lives, too. It's not that we don't care. But ... sometimes? We don't. You've come this far, you can go a little further.

Post Note: You may have noticed Jeff didn't conclude last week's Back To School Top Tips theme. That's because he was busy with Best Man duties at a wedding, a most esteemed position in the grand scheme of wedding chores. There is not better man for the job of Best Man than our pal Jeff. So, you see? We do have things "just as important" as some of your requests. Remember that.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Top Tips: School Safety And Stuff

Now that we've learned (or relearned in some cases) a few of the tried and true classic old mealtime sayings ("You gotta feed your kids dinner! What are you, nuts?" is my favorite. Thanks, Clark!) I thought I'd lend a little wisdom concerning parent toleration.

It's important stuff! Seriously, if you can't master parent toleration you risk going nuts. You don't want to lose the ability to venture out of doors and communicate normally with the outside world, do you? Face the fact you're just going to have to hitch up your jeans and act like a grown up every once in a while, despite the fact your kids will do their best to drive you borderline insane.

So here are a few Top Tips to get you through various 24 hour periods without going off the deep end.

Top Tip: Don't obsess over the hand sanitizer

The best thing you can do is just throw the stuff in the trash. Kids don't need hand sanitizer. They're prone to eating dirt and picking dropped food off the ground and popping it in their mouths anyway, 5 second rule be damned. It's a natural, time-honored right of passage aimed at bolstering your young ones' immune systems. You can't stop Nature, it's just not going to happen. So relax, give the heave ho to those goopy "cleansers on the go." (Look at it this way: If any germs do cause some perverse reaction to your offspring, you have a handy dandy local emergency room nearby. That's why they were created in the first place.)

Don't believe the hype! This isn't going to happen if you don't use hand sanitizer.

Top Tip: Scrapes and minor flesh wounds are going to happen

Again, don't stress. Be prepared. That's why our ancestors created band aid type bandages, for those minor cuts caused from climbing trees and the occasional road rash. It's kind of like that classic old saying: "Quitcher cryin' and put a band aid on it." (Or that other classic saying "Duct tape. Because band aid type bandages don't always staunch the flow of an open vein.")

You're in the top 5% of parents if you keep a role of duct tape handy. Good job!

Top Tip: Safety strap your refrigerator

As the school year progresses, those burgeoning Picassos, portraits of summer vacations and the like will fill the face of your fridge in pretty short order. And, before you know it, your appliance is suddenly in danger of tipping over from the bevy of artwork. So, while it's fresh in your mind - yes, right now, this very moment, while it's fresh in your mind - it's best to stop what you're doing and strap that sucker to the wall, preventing any future danger. You never know when the weight of those cherished drawings could result in an untimely tragedy to Bowzer, Kitty Puss Puss or, God forbid, grandma.

Not a recommended method for strapping down your fridge. Use discretion, folks.

Top Tip: There's nothing wrong with bringing back clothing patches

Little Jimmy takes a tumble from two stories up on the jungle gym. (It happens.) Luckily, his knee broke the fall. But, in the process, said knee of his jeans receives a gaping rip the size of a silver dollar pancake. Not to worry. Do what your grandmother did when your parents were kids: Apply a fashionable patch to the area to prevent further aggravation to the tear.

Lots of fun designs and colors to choose from!

Hey! Don't turn up your nose at patches! They can be fashionable as well as fun! They come in all kinds of sizes and styles for the new generation - emojis, LOLs and WTFs, clever sayings ... even superheroes and musical artists.

What ...  you can't sew? No problem! They're now made with no-iron, aggressive, wash-resistant adhesives! Just peel and stick. Boom! Instant clothes savers! 

Top Tip: Parent conferences and open houses

No one really likes these things, least of all teachers. (They're obligated by contract to tough them out during the year.)

Want to be a hero in their eyes? The day before the meeting or open house, stop by the classroom and slip them a couple of those single shot adult beverages to take the edge off. Imagine the surprise on the teacher's face when a couple miniature bottles of Fireball are slipped in their hands on the sly. You just might receive a "You get me ... you really GET me!" response, setting you up as the hip parent of the semester.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner ... !!!

I know, I know! I can hardly wait for Jeff's contribution Friday! Stay tuned ... !!!

Monday, September 11, 2017

Back to school top tips

By now, all of your school-aged kiddies should be back at the daily grind of readin', ritin' and rhythmajig. If not, it's because you're bad parents and it's not our fault if you've been waiting for us, The Unbelievables, to furnish you with another installment of Top Tips designed for the annual return to scholarly pursuits. At any rate, here they are now so get those wee ones back on the bus already!

I'm going to cover nutrition. The guys will have input on other areas later this week.

START THE DAY WITH A GOOD BREAKFAST - It's kind of like that classic old saying; "Start the day with a good breakfast!" Unless you're grooming your young'uns for a long career as a truck driver or maybe a private detective (both worthy and admirable pursuits), you shouldn't be sending them off into the world on a tummy full of fried eggs, greasy meat and black coffee. Instead feed them a breakfast like the one pictured above.

  • Minced green something or other
  • A quarter of an orange
  • Brown package of whatever
  • Three shiny dough columns in a puddle of syrup
  • Thimble of fruit juice

LUNCH TIME IS A TIME FOR EATING LUNCH - It's kind of like that classic old saying; "Sit down and eat some lunch because it's lunch time!" Unless you're grooming your whippersnappers for a long career as some drone who toils away in an office doing spreadsheet reports (a somewhat worthy pursuit), you shouldn't be leaving their mid-day refueling to a bunch of things crammed into a brown paper bag. Instead feed them a proper school lunchy lunch.
  • Corn
  • Minced orange something or other
  • Potato nuggets
  • Meat nuggets
  • As obelisk of low-fat milk

DIN DIN IS AFTER SCHOOL (but still important) - If you think your child-feeding obligations end at lunch, you are sadly mistaken. It's kind of like that classic old saying; "You gotta feed your kids dinner! What are you, nuts?" Unless you're grooming your moppets for a long career as somebody who doesn't eat right, such as a writer or a stand-up comedian or a comedy writer (none of which can be considered worthy pursuits), you should be feeding them a meal when they get home from school. Specifically, creamy tuna casserole.
  • Tuna
  • Noodles
  • Creamy-ness
  • Green
Now that we, The Unbelievables, have covered how to nourish your kids, we'll move on to other areas where you need help.

Friday, September 8, 2017

Rockin' It

By far, though, one of the most "interesting" things we did (though, I rather did enjoy the dunk tank Clark mentioned last postcame courtesy of losing a bet. (It was all Jeff's fault for making the bet in the first place and allowing the conditions of said wager result in a "winner's choice" outcome. But that's a tale for another time ...)

Fortunately for us, the bet was contingent upon a one shot deal. But it was weird. We were once fashion models at a local rock and gem show.

And here's the weird thing: The organizers of the show didn't want it known The Unbelievables were the ones doing the modeling. No celebrity publicity whatsoever. They wanted us only for our masters of disguise abilities. (I told you it was weird.)

Take a look ...

Believe it or not, this is Jeff blowing extremely fine gold dust from his hand. 
Yeah ... we didn't get it either ...

 They made me dress up as a little girl rock hound ...

 Clark made a rather "smashing" run-of-the-mill female geologist.
(So they said.)

Legend has it someone called "Amethyst Girl" is a real showstopper.
Here's Jeff as that icon ...

This? Was one of the interactive photo booths.
(Jeff is on the left, Clark on the right. I played the rock.)

There was lots of hand modeling just like this. Go figure. 

For some reason this was a popular scene at the event ...

... and The Organizational Powers That Be highly encouraged these types of close ups
as fans walked up and down the aisles ... 

Yes. This is Clark. In this get up. (You can totally tell it's him.)

I don't remember if this was Jeff, if it was Clark or if it was me.
Bottom line? Great disguise!

By the time the shindig closed its doors
(6 hours of ultra boring geological mumbo jumbo talk)
I was ready to kill one of its directors. (Almost got away with it, too.)

In the end we survived. The show producers were pleased, noting we were a hit. (How? We still don't have a clue.) They even asked us back. We politely declined, pointing out the terms of our bet had been met to the letter.

At least for this type of rock show, we're done.

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

What's it gonna take to get you into this Unbelievable car?

Not so much anymore, just because we're busy with our actual jobs, but we used to do appearances at car dealerships.
"Come on down to Harrison Ford for our annual Labor Day Inventory Blowout Sale! Bring the kids! Have a hot dog! Meet The Unbelievables!" 
That kind of thing. We didn't have to actually sell the cars. The idea was that our presence would draw people to the lot and that they might be interested in purchasing a vehicle while they were there. We were just supposed to shake hands, pose for pictures and sign autographs. But being the "get involved" kind of guys that we are, we often would do more than what was requested of us.

As it turns out, Jeff actually has a knack for salesmanship. He looked forward to these things, not only for the chance to use his "gift", but also to wear some of the blazers normally stored in the back of his wardrobe.

Michael's disdain for wearing pants made him a natural and eager participant in the dunk tank. Most dealerships didn't want the extra expense of changing the water in those tanks, so Michael was often the only participant.

As for me, my contribution to these outings was the invention of the item that got us out of having to do them...
Renting inflatable Tube Unbelievables is far less expensive than hiring actual Unbelievables, so win-win!

Monday, September 4, 2017

What's In A (Baby) Name?

Y'know, it's difficult being Unbelievables sometimes. As major celebrities we often get asked to do things that are not in our job descriptions purely because of our level of famosity (famousness? famadociousicleness?). We've had to cut ribbons, open supermarkets and health centers, launch ships, etc., the list goes on.

Well, long story short, we have on occasion been asked by new parents to come up with names for their babies, and while this may have seemed fun to begin with, we named three that suddenly saw the baby-naming business dry up for us. Here is photographic evidence of the three names in question.

Don't blame it on the sunshine, moonlight, good times or boogie. Blame it on us listening to many repeat plays of Beats International's "Blame It On The Bassline".

Sorry, folks, but he really was (and still is) a handsome little guy.

Anything less than the best is a Felonie. Truth be told, we were kinda fed up with the whole baby-naming biz at this point, so we thought this was an appropriate name for a kid whose parents had been behind bars several times before. Her parents didn't mind, but the school truant officer sure did.

So there we are. We gave up after that. Parents should be the ones to name their wee ones, after all. 

More weird things we've been asked to do on Wednesday! Ciao!

Friday, September 1, 2017

The Girl Scout Cookie Caper, Part Three and Conclusion

"What's with these start-up villains just popping up and announcing their presence via mail? Maybe we should start staking out post offices", I offered through a mouthful of cookie carnage.
Jeff and Michael shrugged their shoulders.
"Well, this guy is off on the wrong foot if he assumes that just because he sent us all these cookies that we're going to sit around eat them all", I said as I opened yet another sleeve of Thin Mints.
"Regardless", Michael replied. "We should start by figuring out who this 'Turgider' is."
I shot up in my seat and exclaimed, "Wait a minute! Turgider? Traditional spelling?"
Jeff said, "Presumably, yes."
"You guys, Turgider backward is Red Igurt!"
Jeff and Michael looked at each other then responded in unison, "Red Igurt? That doesn't make any sense."
"Exactly. Nothing about this case makes any sense", I said and sat down, self-satisfied.
Jeff said, "Okay. Great. Thanks for the contribution" with an unnecessarily aggressive eye-roll.

We went about working on the case which involved high-speed car chases, fist fights, explosions etc., none of which we have time to talk about due to the space wasted on the verbal exchange above.

Eventually, we found out Baron J. Turgider was indeed trying to put the Girl Scouts out of business. Why? To benefit his baked goods-makin' baby mama, none other than...
We let both of them off with a warning (seemed fair since they did give* us all those cookies) to stop trying to destroy cherished institutions dedicated to developing young people and never involve us in any Jerry Springer-esque family matters. We would go on to cross paths with Little Debbie again later in spite of this.

* Jeff pointed out that we actually had to pay for all those cookies.