Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Off the tops of our heads: NO!

Hal Owen and Tom (B.) Stone are the absolute best at what they do, so by definition they are beyond criticism and reproach.
Still, we're The Unbelievables and there are some hot button topics we don't want to touch for obvious PR-based reasons. So before the two geniuses sit down and start throwing out suggestions, here are some concepts we can reject before they're even offered:

HOLLYWOOD STUDIO EXECUTIVES

PATIO ACCESSORY ENTHUSIASTS

HURRICANE  RELIEF SUPPLY DISTRIBUTORS

UNIFORMED NURSE ESCORTS

There are probably a couple others, but maybe not. I'm sure whatever they come up with will be spectacular!

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Ghoulish Costumiers

Well, it's getting close to that time of year when kids dress up strangely and roam the streets, knocking on doors and demanding candy dressed as witches, goblins and spooks. Bunch of small-minded little terrors. Doesn't anyone know how to do costumes properly anymore? 

Of course we Unbelievables always have the greatest costumes for Halloween, largely due to our own unerring sense of style, but also ably assisted by our personal Halloween consultants. Yes, that's right - we can usually do it all by ourselves, but once in a Halloween blue moon, we get stuck in a rut. At a loss. Can't think of a decent costume to save our lives. That's what's happened this time - at least to me. So what do we do when we're all out of duds? Wide-eyed and threadsless? That's when we call our main men of scary couture, the inimitable Hal Owen...



..and Tom Stone.

Yes - his middle initial is B.
As you can see, they have the Halloween look down pat. So rest assured, they know what they're doing. Here's a few examples of their classic spooky outfits...

Children with robot heads - it's like something out of Black Mirror.

Skeletons riding horse skeletons - what could be more terrifying?

A group of normal bystanders, you might think - but take a closer look and they look like victims of a nuclear accident.

Mom's doing some gardening, but WHAT THE AAAAARGHRUNFORYOURLIIIIFE!


Imagine Popeye in a clown suit, and a witch replete with broomstick and a little girl's body. Nightmarish.


They were even responsible for the deathly appearance of late wrestling manager Paul Bearer.


So - I wonder what ideas they're going to come up with this year for me and the boys?

Friday, October 13, 2017

Better safety than sorry-ty

Having immediately dismissed the "threat" implied by Tony "Monobrow" McGee, the world's only New Jersey cockney, we resumed party planning. However, in spite of the absurdity of McGee's attempt at being ominous, I thought it might be a good idea to look at our safety measures. After all, it's not every day we open the UnbelievaBase to the hoi polloi. With that in mind, I assembled our Pre-Holiday Gala Event Security Planning Squad (or PHGESPS, which is easy to pronounce if you hold your nose and sneeze) for an inspection of the facility and a logistics review.


SECURITY


Duh. I shouldn't even have to mention this.

FIRE SAFETY
Can't have our guests burning up now, can we?

COMMUNICATIONS
"Can you hear me now?" Yes. Yes, I can.

FIRST AID
To your health!

HOUSEKEEPING AND SANITATION
Cleanliness is next to security, fire safety and basic first aid.

SECURITY
I already mentioned that? Oh well, you can never be too secure.

NAVAL OPERATIONS
We're nowhere near any water. Still, just to be sure...

AIR SURVEILLANCE
An eye in the sky is worth two in the hand.

ANIMAL CONTROL
Nothing ruins a nice evening like a sudden infestation of rabid forest creatures.

GENDER EQUALITY
Not really a safety concern, but never let it be said that The Unbelievables are anything but inclusive.

SCIENCE
Rogue robots run a muck? Not at this soiree. Party on, Darth.

THE OCCULT AND DARK ARTS
Is magic real? Probably not. Maybe. I don't know. Why chance it?

SECURITY
I may have mentioned this previously. Just making sure we have it covered, so to speak.

Thursday, October 12, 2017

Jailbird's Warning

All we wanted to do was throw a wickedly spooky All Hallows Eve shindig to delight and entrance as well as entertain the good folks of Stiletto Flats (and a few special guests). Why anyone would want to stomp on our good time is beyond me, but like Michael said on Monday, there are always a few complainy-pantses out there who can find nothing better to do with their time than, well, complain.

But we certainly didn't expect it to be our adversaries. I mean, they are usually opposed to our actions as a matter of course, but Halloween? The night when spooky stuff is supposed to happen and all sorts of demons, sprites and goblins walk the earth looking for mischief to do? You'd have thought that a bunch of ne'er-do-wells and so-called 'master' criminals would fully embrace that scenario!


We were busy doing our party-organising duties (making the VIP list, ordering supplies in bulk from Costco, music playlist, etc.)





Including this one, natch.

...when wouldn't you know it, the phone rang. Kip the Mail Boy picked it up and from the next room we could all hear that whoever was on the other end of the line was not happy. Screaming down the phone is not a behavior that we regard highly, but that is what this person was doing. 

Kip transferred the call to the conference phone.

I dipped my toe in the water first. "Er, hello? Unbelievables here, how may we assist you?"

"NOW JUST YOU LISTEN TO ME, YOU UNBELIEVABLE PLONKERS! JUST WHAT THE BLINKY O'STINKY ARE YOU GEEZERS PLAYING AT!?!"

"Rest assured, sir," said Clark, "we are not playing - we're rather busy at this moment in time. With whom do we have the dubious pleasure of conversing?"

"'ERE, MUSH!" came back the voice. "I MAY NOT BE THAT CLEVER AN' ALL THAT, 'N THAT, BUT I KNOWS SARKY ASM WHEN I 'EARS IT, DUNNEYE? FUHGEDDABOUDIT, IT'S MCGEE."

"McGee? Again? But didn't we...? And aren't you...?" McGee was supposed to be in jail. 

"YER, WHAT OF IT? LISSEN, I AIN'T GOT MUCH TIME. ME AND THE BOYS IS MIGHTY UPSET ABOUT NOT GETTIN' INVITES TO THIS 'ERE PARTY. PRETZELS, BEER, THE WHOLE SCHMEER, BIM BAM BOLEO. YA KNAA'I MEAN?"

There was no mistaking that it was Tony "Monobrow" McGee, the world's only New Jersey cockney, on the other end. Clearly, he was ringing from jail, meaning that whatever had upset the man, he'd found out about it whilst in clink. Meaning it was something big.


 "Forget it, McGee" said Michael. "No dice. Whatever the problem is, we are not, repeat not interested."

"OH YER?" he replied. "LISSEN UP, UNBELIEVABUBBLES. 'ALLOWEEN IS S'POSED TO BE A NIGHT FOR NOT-DO-GOOD PEOPLES LIKE ME AN' ME BOYS TO DO NOT-GOOD STUFF, NOT FOR YOU DO-GOODERERS TO 'AVE PARTIES. THE CRIMINIMINIMAL FRATERTERATERNITY ARE FROWNING ON THIS, AND WILL DO WOT EVER IT TAKES TO STOP IT. YOU 'AVE BIN WARNED. FUHGEDDABOUDIT.(Click)".

We sat for a brief moment in stunned silence, then looked at each other and grinned. 
Then we fell about laughing.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAHAAAHAAAAA!!!"
"Tee-hee-heee!"
"Chortle!"
"Chuckle!
"Snicker..."
"Ha-ha."

Then Clark said, "Quick question...."

"Yes??" Michael and I asked in unison.

"Jack-O-Blast or Pumpkin King?"



"BOTH!" we cried. "HAHAHAHAAAHAHAAHAHAHAAHA!!"

Monday, October 9, 2017

Not Just Another Halloween Bash





Several years back, someone got the bright idea The Unbelievables should throw a Halloween party. 

It wasn't me. It wasn't Jeff. And it wasn't Clark. We have enough business to attend to as dashing, crime-fighting upkeepers of the tried and true.

No ... it was the general public at large.

John Q. Public, out there in Stiletto Flats somewhere, came along one day and asked "You know what? Why not have The Unbelievables host Stiletto Flats Halloween Bash this year?" The idea was bandied about, ended up growing legs and, suddenly, it was a town rallying cry resulting in an official invitation to us from the mayor of Stiletto Flats himself. He called us down to his office one afternoon, passed warm greetings all around and put the question to us:

"How 'bout it guys? Everyone knows your parties are legendary over there at the Unbelieva-Base. I hear past parties contained apple bobbing that's legendary! We think you guys would put together a terrific shindig!" he stated enthusiastically.


We might know a trick or two about apple bobbing ...

"What about the muckety-mucks who disagree with the term 'Halloween'?" Jeff wondered. "You know there's always a group out there who want to ruin all the fun for everyone  ... turn it into a 'Harvest Festival' and quash the spooky element out of it."

"Oh, don't worry about them. The whole town is up for this thing. The naysayers won't come near - they'll stay at home and want nothing to do with it. No trouble at all." The Mayor's words held water. Stiletto Flats is a pretty open and close-knit community with most folks on the same page. It's not without a few grumblers but what city isn't? And they do keep to themselves.

"We have free reign as to how we put it together?" Clark asked. 


Yeah ... we had ideas how to throw this party ...

"Certainly! We'll provide whatever venue you like, tables, chairs and all that jazz and even assign you a crew of grunts to help you put everything together if you like. Maybe you could invite the weird guy AppleBobby, too!"


AppleBob Appleby you mean? Uhhhm ... probably not ...

"We'll get back to you on him ... but sold!" I exclaimed looking at the guys for confirmation. "Just one thing: Halloween is on a weekday, school night and whatnot. Let's do it the Saturday prior. Good?"

"Terrific!" The Mayor agreed. 

We set out to make plans. Ideas were bandied about, preparations got underway and posters were printed up (courtesy of the Stiletto Flats Bugle), distributed and displayed. With The Unbelievables featured, the upcoming festival was the talk of the town.

It turned out that didn't sit very well with some of our down-in-the-mouth foes of old once they got wind of it however. How could a simple good time party for the public at large get under someone's collar? But it did.

And here's how that turned out ...


Friday, October 6, 2017

Work Avoidance

Well, it was supposed to be a return to something in the vicinity of sort of approaching nearly normal. Ish. Kinda. But then - what is normal anyway? In a world where millions are starving and dying from drinking filthy water,
in a world where a seemingly mild-mannered ("it's always the quiet ones") accountant can stockpile dozens of semi-automatic weapons, hole up in a hotel in Vegas, spray bullets randomly onto concertgoers below and kill 58 people and wound over 500 others, in a world where a funny looking little chubby guy with a silly grin and even sillier haircut can test nuclear weapons and cause earthquakes and threaten the USA, pushing the world to the brink of nuclear war,
in a world where the most powerful man in the world is an out-and-out racist property developer with a reality show and delusions of grandeur who fancies his own daughter,


in a world where a bloke who lives in the UK's brother dies and he finds himself suddenly in charge of Syria and a group of radical extremists made up of a raggle-taggle bunch of radicalised twits who like to blame the West for all their problems when in fact the biggest problem in the world is religious extremists can terrorise people all over the world with makeshift bombs and drive vans into crowds,
in a world where people go on reality TV shows and then suddenly become famous purely for being famous -- in a world like that, what is normal?

On a NORMAL week, one that begins with a post from Clark, as it did on Monday, one would have expected a Wednesday missive from Michael. 

However, that didn't happen. Now, there could be several reasons for this, since we know Michael is back from wherever it was he went last week. For example...

  • He could have temporary memory loss, affecting his ability to write (or spell)...
  • He could have temporary paralysis of the wrist, affecting his ability to type ( or hold a pen)...
  • He could have severe jet-lag, affecting his ability to get out of bed (or even sleep properly)...
  • He could be burning the midnight oil writing a report on his findings from his mission and hence not have time to write a missive on this week's blog...
  • He could have contracted some sort of tropical disease and be sleeping only fitfully, sweat-soaked and muttering weird oaths while having equally weird dreams...
We honestly can't say. We've not seen hide nor hair of him since his return. 

One thing I do know, though. He's back for sure, and if I know my buddy Michael, he'll be back to whatever passes for "normal" around here soon enough. It'll take more than jet-lag and a nasty case of the squitters to lay him low for too long. 

Anyhoo, Clark alluded to some of our down-time activities on Monday, so I'll tell you about mine.
I have three main leisure activities that I like to indulge in:

  1. MUSIC. I love nothing better than picking out one of my fave platters, slipping it on the ol' turntable and crooning along (or, if the music is more suitable for dancing, I grab the nearest Unbelievababe and we cut a rug). Here's one of my current fave spins.
  2. BOOKS. During a quiet moment, you can often find me with my nose buried in terrific tome, such as this one.
  3. FOOD AND DRINK. Natch. There's nothing I find more therapeutic than getting 'in the zone' in the kitchen or behind the cocktail bar, whipping up Bloody Marys and whipped potatoes with equal aplomb.
Perhaps when Michael wakes up, he'll grace these pages with his choices for leisure activities.

He did? WHEN? Yesterday? Oh.

Sorry.

Forget I said anything.

Thursday, October 5, 2017

Downtiming It





*yawn*


Yep, that downtime.

Time to relax. Re-energize. Embrace the slack. Cool down. Tune out. With nary a care in the world. 

Because ... sometimes? You just need to unplug from the world and let it do its own thing without you. It will still be there when you get back.

Me? It just so happens I did some of that last week, in a manner of speaking. I took a much needed vacation. On my return, little did I know I would come back to a week's worth of downtime. Talk about the planets aligning ... !!!

I was so relaxed in fact while "downtiming" I didn't make time to post yesterday when I should have. That's how comfortable I am currently! (Yes, you may envy me.)

At any rate, you may wonder: How do I do at doing nothing? Not like Clark and his zen time, I'll tell you that. His languid ideas are too much work for me; all those jigsaw puzzles and stamp collecting. Nope, not my bag.

This is what I do ...

I'll relax in the pool with an ice cold brewski ...


Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh ...

When that one has been quaffed leisurely-like, I'll call out to one of the Unbelieva-Babes for another ...


It's a rough life. I'm just here to tackle it ...

Later, a third one will most likely be in order ...


*sip*

I might get motivated from all the relaxing to ask a question or two ...

I'll probably wake up from snoozing in the pool to find yet another refreshing cold one has been placed in my hand ...


You may be wondering wear the lime slice is.
Those thoughtful Unbelieva-Babes take care of that prior to handing a beer over ...

*yawn*

Downtiming: It's hard sometimes.

Right about now you're wondering what Jeff's ideas on downtime consist of. You won't have long to wait ...


*yawn ... sip*